Fantasy Movie Love With Real World Endings

I watch a lot of movies and more importantly, I sit around forever thinking about them. Sometimes, I will just hit an epiphany. With Valentine’s Day looming, I am focusing on tragic love gone bad.

1. John McClane and Holly Gennero – Die Hard / Die Hard 2: you fought off international terrorists TWICE for your wife Holly Gennero McClane. You make sure she gets out of the building alive. You move hell and earth to get her plane to land safely. You kill more people than the dude in Rush N’Attack and WHY?? Because your in love, man. And by Die Hard with a Vengeance woman won’t even get on the phone and return your calls.

But what really happened? – John McClane is a classic candidate for post-traumatic stress disorder. Some of the symptoms include but are not limited too reliving the event ( Imagine having to wake up to find out that you have been cast as Hans Gruber ) as well as emotional numbing and avoidance. McClane is a cop and a tough guy so the fact that he had it after experiencing all of these things and it looks like he is emotionally detached through much of the next two movie is probably not as bad as the fact that you never see any hint of a psychologist or any support group in McClane’s life. Divorce rates, marital and relationship problems and what can develop on the issues that can affect your marriage if you have PTSD are so common that the department of Veteran Affairs has an entire guide associated with dealing with them. Additionally, Holly Gennero may have suffered the stress of caregiver’s burden which may have ultimately been too much for her.

2. Daniel LaRusso’s entire life man: You gotta really feel for Daniel LaRusso. First he moves to a new town, gets picked on by bullies and has to fight his way out of horror in order to prove himself and win the heart of Ali Mills… and oh my gosh that was so fun, but then she meets like a really hot guy from UCLA with totally kickin’ abs and you know its like byee… Then he goes to Okinawa and enters into this whole blood feud mostly because he’s hot for this chick Kumiko. He has to beat a complete psycho that is disowned by his own family mostly in his blood lust to kill Daniel and wins the girl… but you know there dance school and college and you know….byee.. So you hit part three, and Daniel has to take on the adult psycho and his army buddy of all people from Cobra Kai and presumably the girl that he did this all for is now shooting pornos with UCLA’s line backing core. This is not dating. This is what they show Sam Kinison in hell to make him scream. And the theme song even says … you did it all for love,

But what really went wrong there? – First of all, it was not some jackass with emotional troubles that was LaRusso’s problem in a relationship with Ali in the first place. It was economics. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald said it best “rich girls do not marry poor boys, its simply not done.” LaRusso’s great enemies in this were Ali’s parents not Cobra Kai. Socio-economic conditions as well as coming from already broken homes are high factors in divorce already. (and they were never even married but you could see the obvious disgust from Ali’s parents at her new choice in boyfriend. Now, lets just assume that the UCLA guy was a scholarship athlete (and were assuming that he was not one of the ones who excelled in a poor setting either ) , UCLA’s own website assumes that the cost of living for a nine month period is between 25,000 and 31,000 to go to the school these days for one year and that is including costs above and beyond tuition and room and board. In 2010 dollars, the median income (and LaRusso’s mom is portrayed as being a bit below that is 51,000 in her age range in Reseda, California. In Burbank (and that is again median which Ali’s family is not) the income level jumps 11,000 dollars just for being in the town. So yeah, Danny was screwed by his status more than Johnny Lawrence. Especially when a Country Club membership in Los Angeles county starts at 300000 a year. You can also look at the stats for long distance relationships and different cultural backgrounds for how kicking ass did not help Daniel in Karate Kid 2. Still a large failure rate and Daniel did not have text, internet, or presumably 10 cents a minute to Japan in the mid-1980s so a few letters and one long distance call did not exactly cut it. Plus, if it was a marriage, that would make it 60 percent likely more to end in a divorce. So, Daniel can kick ass but he has no idea how to navigate the difficult relationship as a result.

3. Dr. Peter Venkman / Dana Barrett: I guess that saving some one from being turned into a hound from hell is basically only good enough for a few dates. After that, she pretty much decided that while he might be mature enough to fight otherworldly beings – he just quite wasn’t commitment material. So she goes off and has a kid with another guy that Venkman again has to work overtime to save in the second movie. Maybe the whole relationship only works in intense situations.

But what really happened? – Venkman did not want kids and wanted to stay a perpetual child himself. A ‘Peter Pan’ Syndrome combined with a fair amount of Narcissism and the addition that the stress of not wanting a family would put on a relationship . Lets just say that googling whether or not having kids is a deal breaker would absolutely get you a thousand articles on this one. Suffice it to say…its an issue.

4. Speed – Annie and Jack: In this one’s slight defense it is mentioned that most of the time when relationships are based on intense situations, they usually do not work out. So at the end of the first movie, they decide to base it all on sex. Sex apparently wasn’t all that because she is with a motorcycle riding cop at the beginning of the second one and at least Jack Travern (we are assuming) got to nail Annie Porter a few times.

But what really happened? – Basing a relationship on sex does not really work based on different physiologies between men and women. The divorce rate among police officers is about 10 – 25 percent higher than the general population . So you can only imagine what the break-ups between casual screwing is like. And relationships based on intense circumstance especially any type of hostage situation on any grounds does not have a great future.

5. Bruce Wayne and Vicki Vale: OK, Vicki Vale. She spends pretty much all of the Batman movie obsessed with Batman. She gets close enough to where she gets into the Batcave. She knows everything. She is saved by the Batman. She becomes part of his life and then…. Well you know…. This is like way too much drama or whatever and I just can’t deal with you being a billionaire and and … crime fighter… so here’s a pen ….write me…k? Really REALLY!?!?!? I can only picture the reaction from Bruce on this one “REALLY!?!?! You force yourself in here. Make the Joker even more PSYCHO than he already was. I lost a friggin plane rescuing you and have to climb up a bell tower…NOT FUN, and its all K Bye?” Now Bats would go on to women in skin tight leather, a really hot psychotherapist and many others, but the Vicki Vale just bailing had to kind of sting and all.

But what really happened? – Vicki had a complaint about the duality of Bruce’s personality. Lets say that a grown man that dresses up as a Bat and beats the hell out of the poor and mentally unbalanced has a few issues. But strictly to the case of multiple personality disorder, relationships with such people, no matter how rich, does not have a good history.

6. Ben Gates and Abagail Chase (National Treasure / National Treasure 2): OK Lets get this one straight. She falls for him because he is insanely smart, works everything out and always has the right answer. Then she dumps him (keeps the money and the house, lets not get stupid) because he is a know it all. This is like the scorpion stinging frog on the way across the water. There was never any pretense and it is not like they just dated either. They are separated by the second one….

But what really happened? – Ben Gates is a know-it-all. Regardless of the fact that he does seem to know it all on certain subjects, that narcissism can claim to know more than they actually do. For instance, he could be spot on about any question on American history but how to make a proper grilled cheese? Not so much and may be met with the same arrogance. Gates saw himself as a final authority on everything and generally has shorter relationships. Plus everyone knows that no matter of everything else how insufferable living with a know it all that will not concede an argument can be.

7. Transformers / Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen / Transformers: Dark of the Moon: Sam Whitwicky practically has to bring down a city to get the attention of Mikaela Barnes. Then she turns around and destroys a Terminator to save him. But when they are not saving each other, there are totally a hundred other hotter guys around so…. Yeah. By the third movie, we now have Carly (which keeps up Sam’s insane streak of nailing hot women) and as a consolation note in the cartoons he did end up marrying a girl named Carly. Can’t tell if under the animated skirt that is Victoria Secret or not.

But what really happened? – On this one you can make a ton of arguments. Different socio economic back grounds. Based on intense situations. Potential in laws were former criminals and middle class. The fact that they were just 19…

Speed – Annie and Jack

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