Everyone has a list. This list includes absolutely terrible movies that no one should ever enjoy. If you were any where near honest, you would put some of these movies on your top 25 of all time. I am tired of hiding in the darkness. I admit it. I like bad cinema. Nay, I love bad cinema. Therefore, through a lot of pain and no small amount of shame. Here is a list of my top 10 best/worst movies of all time. Be warned. Some of this gets really bad… these are in no particular order…. And I am not actually recommending any of them to be viewed….
10. Secrets of the Satin Blues or Les folies d’Elodie (1981) – This French film is basically about a French housewife named Elodie. The main character is not Elodie. The main character is Elodie’s bright blue panties. These panties give you a play by play of everything happening in front of their ‘sight.’ Try to imagine ‘Look Who’s Talking’ if the answer to the Who question is a horny housewife and friends. Yes, I said friends. I am guessing during Reagan-era France it was perfectly fashionable to lend your panties to other women. These other women can include a call girl. Here’s the worst part. Not only are they loaned out … they are returned. So, Elodie is actually the ‘thread’ that keeps the Satin Blues talking. Literally, this is cinema that you cannot unsee.
9. Cleo / Leo (1989) – Leo Blockman is a boorish businessman who has a poor attitude towards women. This is perfectly apparent when he tells his son that he can’t go to the son’s birthday party because instead of Pac-Man, he is playing ‘Pac-Woman.’ Leo eventually hits on the wrong psycho. This woman straight up murders Leo and Leo falls over a bridge. Leo emerges from the river somehow mystically changed into Cleo. Cleo is fully female and has the body of porn star actress Veronica Hart. Taking on the new identity of Cleo Clock, Leo now tries to reintegrate him/herself into Leo’s life. There is also the desire to mystically change back into a man. That desire really starts to become less of a priority as Cleo/Leo starts to experience all of the wonders of a female orgasm. Because sex as a woman is the one thing that will really make you appreciate…the message gets a little lost.
8. Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death (1989) – I have no idea why 1989 was such a brilliant year for bad (good) movies, but believe me it was. There is probably some universal balancing act that goes along with being released the same year as the 1989 Batman film. At any rate, Cannibal Women stars Bill Maher (yes, THAT Bill Maher) as rugged outdoorsman Jim. It is Jim’s job to take a hot female scientist (she’s a scientist because she wears glasses) , and her assistant Bunny deep into the Avocado Jungle to confront a tribe of women who eat men. When it is explained to Bunny that she must eat a course of Jim, she is completely un-shocked. As a matter of fact, Bunny remarks “Hey! I’ve been to a frat party.” This all leads me to believe that if Bill Maher had been in Batman instead of this, we all still would not be listening to him whine 20 years later.
7. Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (1991) – It’s the late 1990’s. You are invited to a friend’s birthday party. He puts in a tape into the video cassette. He proceeds to play something that you can never in a million years un-see with any amount of effort.. Ever. He plays The Story of Ricky. I will skimp on the plot here about as much as the actual film does. Something…. Something… Something … Prison. Something… Something… Something… Escape. Something.. Something… Something… mindless gore on a level that they would never show in a Mortal Kombat game. I learned later that this movie received something akin to an NC-17 rating in the orient on the basis of sheer violence. This is a walking video game if it all took place during the manic final scenes of Big Trouble in Little China. Ricky is completely invincible… which does help. You know … when you are ripping arms off and such…
6. Frankenstein Unbound (1990) – First, lets examine the incredible cast of this movie. John Hurt plays Dr. Buchanan who travels back in time (with the aid of a car no less) to 19th century Victorian England. Buchanan encounters Dr. Frankenstein (played by Raul Julia) , Lord Byron (played by Jason Patric), Mary Shelley (played by Bridget Fonda), and Percy Shelley (a rare cinematic performance by late former INXS front man Michael Hutchence). So what went right / wrong? The whole thing is directed by Roger Corman. Even then, the movie actually does an interesting re-telling of the Frankenstein myth. Where it really gets interesting / epic is at the end. The moment that Frankenstein’s monster rips off his own arm to beat Buchanan senseless, you have now achieved permanent and unmistakable glory..
5. Nothing But Trouble (1991) – Again, one of the main keys to a great /awful film is having a wonderful cast. Somehow, that just makes it all the more delicious when things start to go weird beyond all human belief. It just does. Don’t ask me why. Nothing but Trouble is the only movie to be ever written AND directed by Dan Aykroyd. Thus, its depraved brilliance stands out like a hog dressed like a drag queen. The film also stars Chevy Chase, Demi Moore, and John Candy. Personally, I think that the film was all way ahead of its time. Years before they actually existed, these people had a working GPS system. Aykroyd himself plays an insane judge with a strangely phallic nose who dispenses death for running stop signs. Actually, most anything can/will get you a punishment of death. Smoking weed will do it. In a nod to the future Occupy Wall Street crowd, being a banker will also get you a death sentence. Surviving gothic laws and bizarre death traps never made for a better romance.
4. Wisdom (1986) – Officially, Emilio Estevez became the youngest person to write, direct and star in a film since Orson Welles portrayed Charles Foster Kane. Unofficially, directing legend Robert Wise might not have been so hip to put his name on it after he watched the movie. Wisdom stars Estevez as a convicted felon who decides to become a criminal… for the people. Wisdom travels around the country with his girlfriend (played by Demi Moore) . Moore’s character accidentally shoots a local sheriff. Wisdom gets trapped in a football field where he dies a bloody death… and then wakes up. The movie starts and ends with Wisdom daydreaming in a bath tub. Yeah, up until that point it was well… yeah.
3. Cube (1997) – You have to hand it to the French. When they decide to totally lose their minds making a movie, they do not put on the brakes for anything. Cube is an after runner of the Twilight Zone’s Five Characters in Search of an Exit and a fore runner of Saw. For completely unexplained reasons (I never watched Cube 2), several people with special skills are put in a monstrous death trap…to well… die one by one. Successive deaths and psychoses lead the characters to turn on each other. The paranoia only grows as the killing by environment gets more elaborate. Cube does have a happy ending though. Like, one person makes it out alive to an uncertain future. Again, I never watched the sequel.
2. Grim Prairie Tales (1990) – If you have any chance at all, watch Grim Prairie tales. The movie is an anthology that comes off as Twilight Zone in the West. The principle story tellers are none other than James Earl Jones and Brad Dourif. I actually met Dourif at DragonCon 2000. I had one question. One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest? Forget it. The voice of Chucky? Lame-o. The Upcoming (at the time) Lord of the Rings trilogy? I could read about it later. I wanted to know about Grim Prairies Tales. Dourif was so blown over by meeting the only other guy in the world who had seen it that he rattled on about the movie for five minutes. Specifically, there is a scene in the movie where James Earl Jones shoots a pistol in the air. Jones then proceeds to in-friggin-hale the smoke coming out from the barrell of the gun. Here’s the deal. The scene was completely and totally unscripted. Jones just felt like the scene should be in the movie. Totally blew my mind. The movie is hard to find (especially a dvd copy) but if you ever manage to get a chance… watch this movie.
1. Deadly Weapons (1974) – Deadly Weapons stars ’Chesty’ Morgan whose co-stars are her own 73 triple G’s. After the ’mob’ offs her boyfriend, Crystal takes revenge the only way she knows how. Crystal starts cracking heads…in between the aforementioned 73 triple G’s. Oh, and she wins. There it is. That’s the actual plot of the film. The breasts are the weapons. You see them all over the place. It’s the 1970’s. Seriously, what more do you need?
So yes, I have watched as well as enjoyed some really mind numbingly terrible cinema in my time. I am not ashamed at all at this point in my life to admit it. Hopefully, you got a kick out of it and hopefully you won’t be afraid to admit what terrible movies you liked as well.